Ok, just relax. I can do this. I can do this.
Easy-peasy.
I look down at the oven trying to figure out how I can start it. Women do this all the time. hmm.. I wonder what this button does?
When I press the thing that I have no idea what it is, it starts to make a whirring noise. I lift my head at attention and look around me. What the hell is that? I think it’s coming from the beast that they’ve named ‘oven’.
Oh why, oh why did I say I’d do it? I don’t know how to cook! I burn water for crying out loud! Maybe I could just go back and sit down and just not do anything, and if they asked me I’d say “oh yeah, about that… yeah that’s not gonna happen.. hehe”
Ok obviously that not going to help. I sit in front of the “oven” and cross my legs at the ankles as I stare at the dials and gizmos on the thing from hell. I will not be defeated by Satan’s spawn!
What if I turn the dial.. It does have degrees written on it..
So what now? Where’s the fire? Where’s the warmth? Mom did say something about waiting for it… augh! If only I pay attention to my mother! But in my defense, it was all Johnny Depps fault. He wasn’t supposed to be in my head in the first place. And that damn ‘Pirate’s Of The Caribbean’ song! Did it have to be stuck in my head?
Where the hell is that whirring coming from? Did I do that? Why the hell am I here anyway? What am I supposed to do again?
What’s that smell?
Did I give it enough time to heat up or something? I open the spawn of Satan’s door and slowly put my hand in it. Hmmm.. Not even a little warm.
Ok the smell is starting to grow stronger, and the whirring is still going on full gear. And I’m starting to get anxious.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t do this.
Feeling desperate finally hit the limit. I scoot over to all the dials and turn them clock-wise until I can’t turn them anymore. I look at the buttons at the end and hit one at a time.
HEY! The whirring stopped! I feel a little pride bubbling up inside me. I can do this! I just had to have the right motivation.
I press the next button and a light starts. Hmmm.. Preetty. I wait a little while and admire the pretty light. Although I wonder what its’ purpose is?
I’m full of optimism and confidence when I look at the last button in front of my eyes. I trace the button with my fingers and think of what other thing these buttons might do. My curiosity has gotten the best of me and I press the button.
Nothing happens.
What the? Oh come on! I press the button repeatedly and at last I leave my finger pressed on it for three seconds. Next thing I know I hear a “Fwoo!” sound and feel some heat over my head. I stand up and give a loud shriek!
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuckety fuck!
The whole top of the thing is filled with blue fire. And that’s not even the part that I want! I wanted the fucking thing at the bottom to start!
“Stop!” “Cease!”
I try to remember other words that have the same meaning. What’s ’stop’ in Japanese and German? Or where ever the hell this thing’s made from?
Feeling desperate, I blow at the fire; thinking maybe it’ll work.
Nothing.
I turn and stare at the sink.. Would it work? To be honest I don’t care anymore. I’m starting to have difficulty breathing and I stare at hell’s fire and will it to stop.
Oh fuck it.
I turn and jog to call my mother.
Why did I volunteer to do this? I was just happy watching television..
) then he goes and says he’s seen us before.. like last week.. wtf? last time i went to jr. was last month..
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